Louis Poh.
19.
Glad to be a Singaporean.
NYP Digital Media Design student.
loves God, family, friends.
likes video games, movies, music.
intricationz@hotmail.com
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long-term existential crisis.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009, 7:29 AM
my head is all pent up right now.i feel like exploding.
all the rage, all the fustration, all the disappointments, all the inner-cries, all the regrets, all the guilt.
but somehow i'm lost for words again.
i've fucked up.
i'm fucked up.
they're fucking me up.
i'm trying not to fuck up.
i'm still fucking up.
what would u do if:
you wasted an entire year, only to find out things are going to turn for the worse instead of the other way round.
your peers have all moved on, getting more out of life, while u are still at the back, wishing u didn't make the mistake.
you haven't celebrated christmas, new year, and missed out the holiday trip.
you bought 6 MCs, just to get an extra week of time after the deadline to clear something really important.
you can't click with ur current peers even after 3 months.
you literally have no more friends in school.
no peer work pressure, no learning from each other.
no lunch mates.
you are dropping and failing modules despite taking them the second time.
you always have to 'bug' your best friend online to try to have some company.
you never get 'bugged', after all, u're just a good friend.
you somehow think there's something wrong with you cuz your friends Never look for you. you feel like an annoyance.
you found someone special online.
it fucked up bad once long ago, and thought that this time it might just work out.
things get better until it so happens u just got taken for a ride again.
you thought everything might all be worthwhile after all, but u get dropped from the sky.
you get angry with yourself.
your family members, gives u more problems by 'aggressively helping u out'.
they never show up until they sense something really wrong, and then they continue to force u to change towards their selfish ends to get something out of u, as usual.
you can't sleep.
you are almost falling asleep at 6.30am, when ur Mom turns on the light and then turns off ur computer while its downloading stuff.
u make a fuss, she makes a fuss, she insists she's right, she gives sacarstic comments, she accuses u for something rediculous after checking ur sms inbox, she gets aggressive after u slammed the phone to the wall in fustration, u shove her out of the room, u get called a ass unfilial jerk.
you can't sleep anymore. u have a ton of work to rush later today.
and out of all this, u're losing your religion, the one u have tried your best to lie your back on for years.
you're losing faith, u're adding logic, u're trying to rationalize, but u are still scared shit of hell if u fucked up before dying.
the only reason you're not dead yet is because u're scared of it, and u have responsibility.
and there's more to come.
20 soon.
i still need you.
mad world.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009, 10:55 AM
Students always get the short end (RANT)
Thursday, November 06, 2008, 9:25 AM
From my Facebook notes:Don't we students sometimes really get sick of it when an injustice is brought forth to us by lecturers/teachers, and in order to avoid any potential conflict or bias among the facility's Staff, we have no choice but to suck up the shit and pretend nothing ever happened?
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Crazy minor injustices for example like, a fat English-teaching witch having her pms, starts stomping into the class to start the "moral education" lesson, only to end up cussing at some particular students and leaving the room pointing a middle finger.
The students try to talk to their kind form teacher about it, only to have him tell them to just forget about it and don't blow things up (don't make life difficult for him).
And then more serious injustices like: Lecturer A checking your work-in-progress weekly, saying that he likes it and it is overall going in the right direction.
However, at the final week of the term, Lecturer B, the examiner, thinks your work sucks, and then Lecturer A turns 180 all of the sudden and shoots you down along with B.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
No advice, no defense. Nothing to do but to embrace the shit shot at you out of their anus after feeding them with the best food that you can give.
Or another similar case where on week 1, Lecturer E thinks your Concept Version 1A is pretty Cliché, and asks you edit it to Version 1B through a few weeks' work. At week 3, he says, "Not bad, keep it up."
Then at week 4, Lecturer J, the examiner, comes and happens to think that Concept 1B is boring as hell.
Lecturer E, out of the blue during the presentation discussion, suggests to you Concept 1A instead, as if the whole 1A thing was his very own original Concept.
You try to bring the point across that you actually had Concept 1A in mind in the 1st place, but Lecturer had already marked you based on Concept 1B.
And Lecturer J goes, "Oh hey, I actually liked Lecturer E's suggestion to your Concept!"
---> And you try to talk to Lecturer J, the examiner, about the issue after class.
And Lecturer J goes, "Oh, it's like that, it's like that. We lecturers are learning along with your idea development as well." then gives you a nice smile (just like the grade D he gave) and leaves.
GG-fied.
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And what can the students do?
Complain to the school office?
The school admin is more afraid of staff getting into conflict than the students.
At least, the students are still a loose mass able to be pulled back by the discipline system.
Plus, teachers who snub at each other will only give the school a bad reputation, whereas the students who pull the name down will only be kicked out like a ball.
Conclusion: Students will always get the shorter end. Just suck it up. Or wait for your turn to be a Staff member.
*****Comments?*****
I know some of you have encountered similar situations.
And I also know that some of you teaching staff are hanging around in facebook, some even farming Pet Society. :)
Out The Back.
Sunday, November 02, 2008, 4:20 AM
A sense of null as usual when I finally sit down and decides to defragment my mind.At times, I really just hope I could lock up some of the negative thoughts, hoping that somehow they’ll dissolve away.
Because it’s tiring even to even express out stuff, the words get lost halfway when they’re even out.
And the worst is you know it’s not gonna change anything, and for my case, much less get any good feedback or advice.
Encouragement is pretty much non-existent in my dictionary unless I go up to people and ask for it.
Insignificance.
I’m trying. I’m running.
I’m thinking the bright sides. I’m drowning in shadows.
---
I guess since I’m here, why not just describe the 3 weeks.
First week was quite alright, in fact.
Monday, Eugene the two-face didn’t come.
Tuesday no lesson. Wed was Drawing class, didn’t talk to anybody except the Ang Moh tutor who said my drawings are generally ok and added critiques.
Thursday was long 7-hour tutorial with an hour break in-between. Made some new friends and had my 1st lunch with the clique. Quite a nice bunch of people, yea.
Friday was an 2-hour lecture and Pro-man class was cancelled.
Throughout the week, I’ve seen familiar faces, chatted a bit here and there. The two Sams, CMY, YY, HW, ZC, and CY and Mark in the lectures.
Been in and out of the two FYP prison rooms hanging about as I wish, kajiao them and supervise their work heeh. Good to have at least some connections, and a glimpse at the 3 months I will be spending in there soon.
Family support’s been good too, I was having a bad stomach in one of the mornings and my parents actually waited for me so they could fetch me to school without being late, despite being late themselves. Really grateful, or at least it soothes their worries.
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Slowly realised that all of my “good friends” happen to have their own “good friends”, good for them.
Hard to spend much time with them, since they don’t have that much time for me. Not trying to be possessive, I don’t want to be that kind of friend. Besides, they get tired of my ranting too.
Oh well I guess I need to find my own set too, but so far no luck.
I’m just not that kind of person to go up front to people and “hi hi hi” here and there. Plus it’s always part of my mindset that somehow fat and unattractive people don’t get much attention after 1st impressions. I’m both right and wrong, of course.
Plus even friends from my batch said they thought I was a retard when they first saw me 2 years ago. No kidding.
We’ll see how it goes, and I’m trying to stay positive.
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Weeks 2 and 3 were here and there, with old attitudes surfacing as painful reminders, and me struggling to kill the procrastination and poor time management. Pretty bad start for the term.
Ponned a few lessons in the 2nd week already, determined not to do it again on the third week.
But eventually I skipped Wednesday’s morning class again because of a 4-hour long insomnia and I decided that I needed the time to sleep and then do my work later in the day. Mom found out and started nagging.
For the past few days I was already having a really, really bad cough, the type that makes your chest hurt, saw the doctor and took an MC. And the inside of my ears were bleeding for no apparent reason.
So I was doing my work and retouching them up until 2-3am on Thursday morning. Went straight to sleep, trying to catch a few hours worth before the long day ahead. Insomnia caught up again.
At 5am, just at the moment I was going to fall asleep, my Mom came into the room and turned on the light, asking me to close the window as it was raining. I obviously felt damn annoyed and yelled to her that I already did so.
She then started to pick a fight regarding me ponning my Wednesday lesson. Great, there goes my sleep. And she wouldn’t stop. Chased her out of the room and I tried to rest without sleep, and minutes later she stormed back in being all crazed up, saying my future is screwed and that she doesn’t know how to answer to people who ask her about how I am doing and shit like that. Repeat process from “chasing her out of the room”.
Ended up going to school feeling all pissed and tired.
Keep falling asleep during the morning lesson as I had nv done any crazy sleepless night since like months ago. Decided to pon the afternoon class. The 3-hour sleep I would have had should have given me enough sanity to finish the day, but I ended up having none.
Left class in a hurry without doing the class work, and took a cap home immediately to doze off.
And then right now, as I want to start on my work early (doing work on a Saturday night which deadline is on Thursday is actually very damn rare for me), I was going to transfer the reference drive from my portable harddisk to my laptop.
And I realised that on Thursday when my mind was solely focused on getting home asap, I actually left the 320gb harddisk in class. FUCK.
I always thought that little gadget is in my bag until I just realised the awful truth when I go looking for it. Shit isn’t cheap too, and it’s less than a month old.
Now I can’t do any fucking work during the weekend until I find some kind soul from my current batch to send me necessary files. Plus its 4am right now, nobody’s online.
Jesus Fucking Christ.
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Oh and one more thing, I’m retaking my SP3 (which I didn’t finish the 1st time around) during the December Holidays. And I have to cancel my family vacation trip to Hong Kong. Brrrr. At least I didn’t have to juggle the retake along with my weekly school work.
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I hate myself. :)
I know.
Saturday, October 11, 2008, 9:33 AM
abc.
Monday, September 08, 2008, 1:55 AM
Lots to say, but I'll take the silent way.Expression is a hassle when it usually falls upon deaf ears. (or blind eyes for that matter.)
In any case, the world would not be bothered to know one's problems.
I know, because I can't be bothered to read all the emo posts in friends' blogs, except for one I care about (but I usually will just read.)
And then I know all the long stuff I have written a long time ago will only be read by me when I want to, but I just wanna leave it all behind.
What to do?
1. Have better friends.
2. Care, but don't expect anything in return.
3. Ignore, but indicate a reason.
4. Just be yourself.
5. Change yourself.
A long time. Before a long prayer. A long night. And then a lousy day.
Why does it seem so hard to make something so simple happen?
Look forward?
Square one is always home base.
Until its gets taken away.
I don't know what I'm talking about but it seems like its the only sane way.
Back to my corner.
We will never stop disappointing each other.
Please forgive me for everything.
Zombies ate my sleep away… again.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 9:06 AM
Some people say life is meaningless without dreams. Judge mine.
Zombies, aliens, military, giant monsters, all happen to cross over to my dimension every time, and it all feels so surreal in the context of the dreams.
Plus they usually have video-game mechanics like re-spawns, retries, and even death-cams, but I still feel like I’m there in the world, feeling the emotions and interacting with people I know in real life.
The dreams usually have some sort of weird complex plot that I don’t even know why they’re logical when I wake up.
The worse thing is, usually I know I am in a dream, but I can’t wake up. I just sleep on and let my imagination run wild.
Trust me, I am NOT making any of this shit up.
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One of my first such dream took place in an apocalyptic Singapore with giant alien spaceships scanning broken down buildings for survivors. My parents were both killed by the aliens, and my sis and I were residing in a tall old building. One night one of the ships with tentacle legs hovered outside the building, shining its huge bright orange lights into the building. I had to wake my sis up and then lead her to move and hide around behind some broken down furniture to avoid being spotted by the lights. It was so intense. Eventually I got caught, and the tentacle grabbed me and burned me, then tossed me to the first floor like a rag-doll. I had to “retry the stage” a few times to get thru. Eventually we got out of the building and continued to evade scanning ships. A few “tyco” intense escapes landed us in an underground resistance base, lol. I volunteered to join their resistance while my sis was safe in the base. Then after attending a few briefings I carried out my 1st mission along with the squad. Our tactics even included guerrilla warfare and deceiving the enemy spaceships while we were disguised as one of them. We eventually infiltrated one of the main ships and at a crucial point I was almost captured, tortured and killed (again), but then I woke up. It was my first time having such a long crazy dream and I was almost excited to sleep on and find out what happened in the end, which I didn’t because I remembered I had some DMD work to do before going to school.
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Another dream had me visiting a relative’s friend’s condo along with my family. I was close to uncovering a huge conspiracy (business? Can’t remember) when I got detected. The head of the family then decided to silence me, get my DNA and replace me with a clone so “I” can go home with my family. I had to evade the black suits and weird security guards to get out of the condo. Then they didn’t give up, and sent patrols to the surrounding area. An secret intelligence agency then contacted me, guaranteeing me safety and reward if I could meet them and give them the info I discovered. The rendezvous point was at Sentosa, and the condo was at Woodlands. So I had to sneak all the way from the North to South of Singapore, avoiding the evil goons and arousing suspicion from pedestrians because I was carrying something big and unconcealed, presumed to be related to the intel I found. Like MGS + GTA, I did my stuff. I even received Octo-camo like Snake in MGS4, which I found out wasn’t very effective in an urban environment because people keep spotting me somehow and I had to run. (Don’t picture me in my present state wearing a tight stealth suit, because “I” am usually in a physically fit shape in my dreams >=P) And again, I almost got to Sentosa after traversing HDB after HDB, and doing stuff like knocking a cleaner uncle out to wear his clothes and keep the huge intel thing in his cleaning trolley, but in the end I woke up again, without knowing the ending.
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Last night’s special, my maternal family and I went to Malaysia. Zombie outbreak happened. People on the streets became unbelievably tall, their faces exceptionally long and they could run very damn fast. Cut to the chase, a lot of intense chases and suspenseful hiding. Lost 2 of my family members and was really feeling the sense of loss during the dream. Eventually got to the helicopter finally, and flew off the island. Towards the ending, I found out the cause of the outbreak was due to a parasitic organism leeching itself onto another one, causing a giant explosion of virus and turning the people into long-faced tall zombies. Might sound stupid here, but in the dream it was pretty damn frightening. Its like “Left 4 Dead” without guns. Lots of gore and gibs flying around too. Tried to go through the plot again without losing any family member by making better decisions and wasting lesser time, but it seems that “destiny” seemed to repeat itself (wth?). I don’t even know what I’m talking about now, all I remember is waking up feeling quite exhausted from all the crazy “plot twists”.
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There are still quite a few more similar dreams/nightmares haunting my nights and honestly, I’m tired of it. I swear that if such dreams happen again during school days I would have been damn annoyed because of the lack of quality sleep.
Haha, I think I might be labelled as a little “childish” because of all the content in my dreams, but hey, if I could just dream of those long draggy soap idol dramas with love triangles and rectangles and shit for a change, and less crazy shit happening, I might just get a happier ending. =)
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